Author: KB

I'm KB! Reactivating this blog to be my Safe Place, my journal, a place for my piece of mind for my emotions and whats happening in my life!

Moving On…

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I believe I wrote a Blog on last year losing my whole friend circle (It was 3 girls).

Two of the girls we just stopped talking. We were never that close. No blood was shed. Just moved on.

The last girl and I were friends for almost 20yrs. We share a ton of memories, and it ended off something so crazy and small that I am still confused about the whole thing.

Last year, her and I was going through the hardest times of our lives: her mother passed, and my husband was diagnosed with MS and stopped working.

She just moved into a new home and was having TWO 4th of July parties. The first one her husband was having for his coworkers (Which I later found out was his previous coworkers and he recently QUIT his current job out the blue). She called me, without notification, at 8pm to come to the first one because she was there alone and bored. I was home, didn’t want to go but still went. The 2nd one couldn’t attend because I went into work for overtime, which was needed because I was now the sole provider.

I let her know this a couple weeks before because she is absolutely insane about people coming to her events.

After the party, I called to ask how it went.

She acted like she had an attitude and wouldn’t answer my questions. I said OKAY. I’ll call you later.

Couple days went back, and I texted and asked her about something else she was trying to do (I believe it was a class or something) and how it was going. She went off about me not coming to her party and why. I reminded her that I had to work. And she started bringing up so many things that happened years ago. And we basically went back and forth for the entire day.

The years prior, I noticed our friendship dwindling. I knew we would stop talking eventually because I felt like I was outgrowing her, as bad as that sounds. But I just didn’t want it to end like this.

It has now been a year since we spoke, and it has been on my mind ever since. How petty it was, how she could just stop talking to me out of NOWHERE when other “friends” of hers have done so much worse: 1) Stood her up on her birthday, 2) Didn’t even come to her mother’s FUNERAL 3) Constantly lied to her and the list continues. She STILL TALKS TO THESE PEOPLE!

Yesterday was her birthday. I decided I was going to text her, just apologize for the argument (Even though I did nothing wrong) and see where we could go from there…which is probably NO WHERE. I just wanted to have an adult conversation on what happened and leave it. I could never be friends with her again. I really need closure. This has truly been like breaking up with a man. I have never encountered something like this, but it has truly heart me. It has been on my mind and my heart ever since.

I text her a long text apologizing and I even sent it via FB Messenger.

I never got a response.

I even called later that night and it went straight to voicemail. I seriously couldn’t believe she BLOCKED me! I left a long voicemail and that was it…I can’t do anything more.

Almost 20yrs of friendship…because I didn’t come to your party? Not giving me the opportunity to talk to you about it AT ALL?

Like I said, we were growing apart…just crazy how it finally happened…

I believe this is The Most High’s way of letting me know that was the end of that Season of my life. Time to make room for Godly friends that want to be in my life, have Godly conversations with, worship with, pray with and literally won’t be childish!

Time to move on…

7yr Anniversary

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This past Monday was my 7yr Wedding Anniversary.

Due to us being on 1 income, this is the 2nd year that we didn’t do anything.

Before my husband went off work, we did an Anniversary trip each year. Things are soooo different now. We do not do hardly ANYTHING anymore! I literally work and come home. The most exciting thing I do now is NOT COOKING and getting take out! lol Which I really need to stop doing because its SO MUCH money for two people to eat now! I am going even more broke doing that. I am really hating that right now.

Marriage is hard work.

When I thought of being married, I knew there would be obstacles, but I feel like I am constantly annoyed by my husband. I feel so bad saying this and it doesn’t have ANYTHING to do with his MS, but HIM.

Since this is a SAFE SPACE, let’s talk about it…

We have been together for 11yrs in total and I was so different when I first met him and he was too.

I wanted to be in love so bad, especially after having so many horrible relationships back-to-back. Meeting my husband was a breath of fresh air because he was extremely nice, polite, caring, a good listener, went to church EVERY Sunday, very respectable of his elderly mother and aunts etc. I was so excited that I found a man that was NICE and never disrespected me. BUT … because of the face that he was so nice to me, it made me overlook everything else that I should have been looking for in a man and husband.

When we first start dating, my husband was very talkative, playful and we just really enjoyed each other. I honestly didn’t know how to be a wife and what to expect from a husband. But, when I got married, the wife role, completely came out so naturally for me. I took over everything. My mother was truly coming out of me. lol She took care of EVERYTHING in the house. Just as my husband’s mother took care of a lot while his father worked (Both of our mothers worked Full Time outside the home as well).

After a year or two of being married, I had the “wife role” down, but as I was getting more into my role, I am learning how and NEEDED more of my husband. And noticed, I was not getting it.

Everyone changes as they grow older. I believe I am changing for the better, but my husband is literally the same as he was when we met and I do not know how I missed it when we dated…

  • No compliments. DEF overlooked while dating. I was so busy telling him how sexy he was, but he never complimented me back. After a year of marriage, I pointed this out and even thought maybe he wasn’t attracted to me. He told me of course he was and that he would try to do better. 7 years later, he hasn’t. Sometimes I think I am literally going to go my whole life without having my husband telling me how beautiful I am, how sexy I am, how he can’t wait to get home and ponce on me. I will never know how that feels and even typing this has me wanting to cry,
  • Not emotionally supportive. I have girlfriends that I gossip with and relied on for “girl talk”. Now that my friend circle is gone, I talk more to my husband…about everything. I could be angry, sad, happy or even really excited and he literally shows nothing. It’s like he’s a robot. And when I get angry because he has no emotion or even an opinion, he gets angry. I do not understand how and why someone can have zero emotions. It’s very frustrating. When I am sad, mad or upset there is zero comforting me, no words, just silence from him. I still dont understand this!
  • No goals, hobbies, interests. I have been trying to work with him since he stopped working to pick up learning about something, a language, reading, even pushing him to play a damn video game! NOTHING. HOW DOES NOTHING INTEREST YOU!??!!?!?!?!? YOU HAVE THE WHOLE BEAUTIFUL WORLD! You have no interest in absolutely nothing?????????????????
  • Yes Man. Due to him being so nice, he never says no. Even when he should! He does not have a backbone whatsoever. So you know what that means? His wife gets to be the bitch!
  • Lazy As FUCK! My husband is what is called an Ooops Baby. His parents did not plan to have him. His siblings are 15yrs and up older than him. His sister told me she used to do ALL HIS CHORES for him. He never had to do anything because he was the baby. But guess what happened as he got older and became a husband? HE DOESNT KNOW HOW TO DO ANYTHING!!!! HE IS LAZY AS HELL!!!!! Literally something will fall to the ground, and he will step over it and not pick it up. Gets an attitude when I tell him to just help me and now that he has MS and can hardly stand, he really doesn’t do fuckin shit!

I have asked my husband about his childhood, his parents, how they were towards each other, how it was in the home, how his father was, how his father treated his mother and was his father “a father” to him. Was he a good role model for him? Did he teach him HOW to be a husband and a father? And the answer is he was in the home as the father, but he was not a role model at all. He was never taught how to LEAD his family, how to make the tough decisions for his family, how to be the protector. He was taught to WORK, come home and his wife will handle everything else! He was not taught how the household should be and maintained.

So now for the past 7yrs, I feel like I am TEACHING my husband how to be a husband. Sometimes I feel like I am talking to my child (I never had kids) and I hate that SO MUCH! Why should I have to tell my husband how to lead our family!? I am so fuckin tired of all the responsibility being on me! I am so tired of making all the gosh damn decisions for both of us!

I HATE BEING MARRIED!

I HATE IT SO MUCH!

I wish someone would have come to me and told me what to look for in a man beyond LOVE!!! It is so much more than being in LOVE! Love goes so far! You need someone that is going to have your fucking back and mentally able to focus on what is best for the family and not second guess! Need a man that is capable to receive the love from you but GIVE IT TOO!!!

But I know I am not going anywhere.

Even with all these flaws … its just that … FLAWS. He is a good man. It is just a lot for me to deal with right now. And I am starting to notice a lot due to me … DOING EVERYTHING!

I played my cards, and this is what I have been delt.

And don’t get me wrong, I am NO WHERE NEAR BEING PERFECT. But this post is about my husband and HIS FLAWS! NOT MINE! lol!

REAL TALK!

I have realized HOW IMPORTANT it is to teach your kids FROM THE START on how to be an adult! FUCKIN PREPARE THEM!!! Because one day they are going to be someone’s wife or husband! And trying to learn that shit after the alter is going to lead to D I V O R C E!!!

I know the grass aint greener on the other side, so I am stuck and going to deal with it!

It is what is it at this point….

Happy Fuckin Anniversary to me …

Mother-in-Law Visit

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My husband’s family lives almost an hour away.

His mother has mentioned a few times she wanted to come over.

I am, unfortunately, really embarrassed by where I live. I feel like I should have a house by name, beautiful decorations etc. I kept telling her there is nothing to see, and that it’s a very small apartment. I understand a mother wants to know where her child is living BUT this is a 48yr old man! :/

My husband’s uncle randomly bought my hubby a TV and his mother used this to come over to give it to us.

She let us know 2 days prior and y’all I cleaned so much for the next 2 days!

I even went and bought NEW couch pillows, I put up new pictures, candles. Even though I know our little home is not the nicest, I still tried to make a good impression.

I was at work when she came back, with my husband nephew.

My husband said his mother didn’t say ANYTHING about the apartment. No compliments on … nothing.

He said she walked around the kitchen and stared at things.

I wish I was there…

I can’t stand anything more than judgement. And it always comes from the people that are close to you.

I was trying to tell my husband that even though I know our little home is not a lot, we don’t have a lot of nice things. But I feel that if anyone comes into your home, they should say SOMETHING nice about it? “Nice pictures”, “Smells so good in here”, “It’s so clean in here”. Is it just me because my husband didn’t get it at all? Isn’t that just being polite of being in someone else home? IDK.

She came last Wednesday, and this has bothered me EVER. SINCE!

ESPECIALLY because when I got home from work that day, she happened to call and I said, “So you finally saw where we live” and the FIRST THING SHE SAID was “You two can’t even turn around in that place”. WTF! Then said its okay we will find something bigger and nice. Excuse me! This is our home NOOOOWW! Respect that! I know it’s not a lot but damn, can I get a little love on what we made a home for the last 11yrs???

Exactly why I don’t want anyone in my home. I don’t care who they are. I am working so much right now, having to do everything by myself due to my husband illness and judgement is the last thing I need right now. This is another reason why I am looking into Therapy. I thought this Blog would be sufficient, but I really need to talk to someone.

But, she has seen where we live, and I really hope she doesn’t want to come back … mother-in-law or not.

The American Dream

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Sidenote: Funny I am posting about this on the 4th of July!

I moved into my FIRST apartment a little over 11yrs ago.

And guess what?

I AM STILL THERE! LOL!

#1 REASON I have not moved and bought a house: CHEAP RENT!

I moved by myself in a, maybe, 600sq ft, 1 bedroom apartment for $550. And during the first 10 YEARS of living there, the rent up $10! EVEN THROUGH THE PANDEMIC! Isn’t that insane! I was saving so much money!!!

A company bought the building last March and it has gone up $225 since. Which is STILL really good rent.

But now, with my husband and I both living there now (He moved in after 5months of dating hehe) and 11yrs of accumulating clothes and other crap, the walls are starting to close in every day it seems.

There is literally no storage!!! No linen closet, no pantry. Only a very small walk-in closet in the bedroom and coat closet in the front. Perfect for 1 person! lol Absolutely NOTHING has been updated. Carpet hasn’t even been professionally cleaned. We have to do everything ourselves.

My husband and I were actually saving to buy a home before he got sick. We had almost $7k saved and now we are down to less than $3k. Once he gets awarded Social Security, we will save all the back pay and his monthly checks. Especially since we now know we can survive on my income alone.

But I am now ready to move more than ever! I am so tired of the apartment living. We have flies EACH YEAR once it starts to get hot. This past week has been an absolute nightmare that I wanted to bawl my eyes out.

We had gigantic beetle size flies that were in our BEDROOM. No idea where these came from. We may have a fly or two, in our living room, but never in the bedroom and never seen them so big!

Took me 2 days to literally sit there to watch where they were coming from because we could not figure it out. Finally, realized they were coming from the window. But not from outside. Seems like they were coming from downstairs.

Maintenance redid both of the downstairs apartments completely and maybe they opened up something that let flies in. I don’t know. I had to get electric tape and used it all around my windows, blocking any entry. We haven’t had a fly in since. But now we can’t even open our window in the bedroom. I sent a text to management and of course they never responded. They are going to get one HELL OF A REVIEW once I leave this shithole.

I am so over it. But it makes me so nervous to buy a home, ESPECIALLY in the economy and world we are in right now. Everything is so unpredictable, and it gives me so much anxiety.

At this point, we have no choice. God is definitely showing us that our time is up here. So as soon as he gets his money, we are saving. Giving us no more than 2yrs left in apartment living and we are saying PEACE OUT, BITCHES!!!

Invite vs No Invite

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Recently my cousin graduated with her Doctorate and had a Grad Party, yesterday.

Three of my sisters and my mother were invited.

I never got an invite.

Have you felt offended you were not invited to an event, even though you KNEW you were not going to go even if you were invited?

THIS IS ME! LOL!!!

I haven’t gone hardly ANYWHERE in almost 2yrs. I work and go home. We are VERY limited with our funds due to my husband not working. Sometimes I don’t even want to waste gas to go somewhere. Yes, it’s that serious.

But I guess what hurts is that I feel like no one is thinking about me. Like I am forgotten. Of course, I want to go places, celebrate my family/friends’ achievements, their next Chapter in their lives etc. It’s not like I am a hater and envious. At this time, I just haven’t been feeling it…

So, I am just in my feelings a little. Even though I knew I probably wouldn’t go if she invited me.

Maybe it’s also because these last few years have also been lonely.

When someone gets sick, you really see who your true family/friends are because the calls/text stop when you can’t go out like you used to, when you are working more to pay bills, when you just don’t have any money to go out to dinner. People don’t check up on you anymore. They find other people that can actually hang out with them.

I had a very small friend circle, and I lost all of them around the same time. Two of them literally stopped inviting me places when I told them my husband had MS. I just don’t understand why…this REALLY hit me hard. More than I care to admit. This happened a year ago and I still think about it, and it still hurts. I think mostly because we did not have a falling out, nothing. Just stopped calling, inviting me places and of course they posted it on FB.

The even more crazy part is one of them texted me maybe 5months later asking if everything was okay because she hadn’t heard from me. I told her “Oh I have been working SO MUCH…Just doing a lot of overtime”. She said OKAY and that was it. THAT WAS IT. Didn’t ask about my husband, how I was doing. Nothing. I just expect MORE from people I call friends.

I am learning not to take things personally. There are a lot of reasons why people are not invited places. This cousin and I were not close at all so…maybe she invited relatives she was close to …

This will be the last time I think about it, and I will be moving on…like everything else…

Father’s Day

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As we all know, this past Sunday was Father’s Day.

I do not have children of my own, but my husband has two from a previous marriage: 23yr old young lady and 21yr old young man.

My husband and I live pretty far from his kids…about 45min-1hr. But they live closer to my mother-in-law, so we usually go over her house, so they don’t have to drive far.

Last year, his daughter did not see my husband at all. We later found out she went to Cedar Point instead.

This year, neither of them came by.

His daughter texted him “Happy Father Day” and his son called and had a 5min conversation with him. Said he had a gift; he was at work at that was that.

I honestly felt very bad for my husband. Even 2 days later to make this post.

My hubby didn’t have the best relationship with their mother. They got married very young (early 20’s) and they only lasted 2yrs. It was a lot of hating towards each other, arguing, telling a lot of lies to the kids to the point where they refused to even come to their dad’s and I wedding! And at this point, they were divorced over a decade!

To make things even worse, their mother became ill with Breast Cancer. She did not make this known to the father of her kids but kept it quiet. The kids refused to discuss anything, and we literally did not know until she was on her death bed. We only discovered what was going on due to the mother’s husband putting a Go Fund Me on FB. She passed away 5months after my husband and I got married.

That was almost 7yrs ago (I have been with my husband for a total of 10yrs).

We do know the oldest daughter is in Therapy. We do not know WHY, but she said it is helping.

From the conversations I have had with my husband’s mother and sister, their mother caused a lot of trauma for the kids. Lots of lies and hatred for their dad and it has definitely spilled over to the kids.

BUT, these are no longer kids. They are young adults, living in their own place, working, paying bills etc.

I was never in a 1 parent household, so I don’t know the dynamics and trauma that can come from that. But I would think after having a parent pass away and 1 left, that would bring a stronger bound between the children and the living parent.

They do see their dad but not as much. But, I get it. Everyone has lives and things to do. Especially since they are young, they are both traveling with friends, relationships etc. But I would think due to their dad being diagnosed with MS last year, they would call more, come see him, make sure he’s okay, if WE ARE OKAY and not homeless due to him not working for almost 2 yrs … SOMETHING! And it has been hardly anything.

I am going to take it as kids being kids. When you are young, you are not caring about parents and what’s REALLY important in life. You are not trying to hang with your parents, even for an hour. You rather have fun.

It just makes me sad for my husband.

Next year…we are going to see my dad.

I am not putting off spending time with my father (On Father’s Day) another year to make sure they see their dad (Due to MS, my husband no longer drives), which is what I have done for the last 2 yrs….and they don’t even show up.

I am learning I am expecting way too much from people.

I expect from people what I deliver in myself … and that is compassion and appreciation of others time and effort.

Going forward, I am going to expect the worse so I no longer will feel let down. I should have done this a LONNNNG TIME AGO!

Praise Break !!!

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Just a couple of days ago, I wrote a post about money being tight.

Yesterday, I opened up the mail to find a check a little over $1500!

Will try to make a long story short: About 5yrs ago, my Husband signed a contract with a company to teach him a new skill (IT) and the contract stated once he got a job in this skill, he would have to pay back a certain percentage of his income back to this company (Unfortunately, my husband never spoke to me about this because he knew I would say “THIS DOESNT SOUND LIKE A GOOD IDEA!!” AND YOU KNOW WHAT?? IT WASN’T!!!). Craziest thing ever right? RIGHT!

Well, my husband signed a contract and QUIT before he even started! SMH. He never reached back out to the company to let them know.

Maybe a year later, the company then TRIED TO SUE US and sent us court documents! That scurred us straight so we got on a payment plan with them and started paying them $350/mnth!

Maybe 6 months into paying them, we got a letter they filed Bankruptcy (GO FIGURE! NOT SURPRISING!!!) and I IMMEDIATELY stopped paying them.

Now, years later, we got a letter in the mail stating this company broke many federal laws! And we got a CHECK!

I was so upset with my husband about signing a contract for something so retarded, but this is marriage! Dealing with bullshit and then having to figure it out! At the time, my husband was working FULL TIME and we were making enough money to pay this bill but it still cut into a lot of things.

I thank The Most High for providing for us this during this whole time of my husband being out of work, due to his MS. From his sister giving us money or his mother giving us a ton of food! He continues to PROVIDE!!!

My faith has gotten so much stronger through this whole transition.

Laugh To Not Cry

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Things have still been tough.

Money is extremely tight right now. Tighter than I want to believe.

Sometimes I buy little things that I was used to buying when my husband was working. Then I realize AFTER, we may not have enough money for food or a bill.

I now have to track EVERYTHING.

Each transaction from my bank account.

I hate it.

I hate not having money to buy things. I haven’t brought a new bra in 2yrs.

I try to work at least 10hrs of overtime. I realized when I do, I don’t have to worry too much and even have some money to save. I literally had to cut everything: Cancelled gym membership, cancelled subscriptions, stopped going out to eat, grocery shop every 3 days to make sure I only get food we are going to eat, stopped buying clothes, stopped traveling and we really don’t go to any events, so I won’t burn my gas.

We literally only have money for food and bills.

Still waiting on approval for his Social Security. Praying every day, he gets it. Oh that back pay we will get!!!

I have caught myself feeling like I can’t do this, I am tired of working so much and I want be able to do things and enjoy life.

I have to keep reminding myself this is too shall pass. We are in the trenches right now, but our Faith is BIGGER than our FEAR.

I have to keep reminding myself that my husband is the one with MS. How does HE feel? He is the one having trouble walking, sitting at home all day, every day, no one is calling him at all (Not even his kids or friends. My dad and his mother are thee only people that have called) His 2 kids have not come over once to see him and called a couple of times in the almost 2yrs he has been out of work. But he is still happy, not depressed and smiles. He didn’t ask God to give him MS so he can sit at home and not do anything to help his family.

It can be a lot worse, but we are making it. We can’t do a lot of things we used to do but it wont be like this for forever,

I have thought about seeing a therapist because I have so many feelings and literally don’t have anyone to talk to..hence why I came back to blogging. My family never ask how we are doing. I understand everyone has their own lives and dealing with things.

It is tough but we will get through this ❤

I Am Back

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I cant believe its been almost a year since my last post!

So much has happened..

April 2024, my husband was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis.

He has been our of work since Dec 2023 due to MS symptoms and nerve pain.

We have now been denied Social Security Disability twice now and our Attorney has now appealed again.

I am the sole provider for my family. Been working overtime just to pay bills.

It has definitely been hard but The Most High has truly been our provider and we are sooooo grateful.

I also lost THREE FRIENDSHIPS last year. I truly had to grieve a lot…grieved that even thought my husband is still alive, his life would never been the same. AND grieving lost friendships.

It has been hard but we are good, hubby is still walking, on a walker, but still walking.

Getting Fit At 40!

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341lbs

That is the large number that was on the scale the last time I weighed myself a couple of weeks ago.

And that was not even the highest number it has been at.

357lbs is the highest.

I am trying so hard to get my life together when it comes to my weight. It seems the older I get, the harder it is.

I wish I could blame it on having kids, but unfortunately, it’s due to just loving food way too much! LOL

It’s definitely starting to affect my health: Sleep Apnea, High Blood Pressure and Cholesterol. So, as you can see, I need to get it TOGETHER.

I have worked out for years, over 10. But my problem is being/staying consistent. I have never lost more than 25 (LAST TIME WAS 9YRS AGO, WHICH IS RIGHT BEFORE I MET MY HUSBAND) pounds and recently, I can’t lose more than 5lbs!

The good thing is that my job has a beautiful FREE GYM! I have used it many times and NOW I am ready to be consistent and finally get this weight off.

I am going to be using an app called FitBod where you tell it, the equipment you have to use, and it creates a workout from that! Which I think is pretty cool!

I will also be counting my calories with the Lose it App.

So let’s see how this goes!

I now have a plan so let’s take ACTION!