Category: Life Update

Moving On…

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I believe I wrote a Blog on last year losing my whole friend circle (It was 3 girls).

Two of the girls we just stopped talking. We were never that close. No blood was shed. Just moved on.

The last girl and I were friends for almost 20yrs. We share a ton of memories, and it ended off something so crazy and small that I am still confused about the whole thing.

Last year, her and I was going through the hardest times of our lives: her mother passed, and my husband was diagnosed with MS and stopped working.

She just moved into a new home and was having TWO 4th of July parties. The first one her husband was having for his coworkers (Which I later found out was his previous coworkers and he recently QUIT his current job out the blue). She called me, without notification, at 8pm to come to the first one because she was there alone and bored. I was home, didn’t want to go but still went. The 2nd one couldn’t attend because I went into work for overtime, which was needed because I was now the sole provider.

I let her know this a couple weeks before because she is absolutely insane about people coming to her events.

After the party, I called to ask how it went.

She acted like she had an attitude and wouldn’t answer my questions. I said OKAY. I’ll call you later.

Couple days went back, and I texted and asked her about something else she was trying to do (I believe it was a class or something) and how it was going. She went off about me not coming to her party and why. I reminded her that I had to work. And she started bringing up so many things that happened years ago. And we basically went back and forth for the entire day.

The years prior, I noticed our friendship dwindling. I knew we would stop talking eventually because I felt like I was outgrowing her, as bad as that sounds. But I just didn’t want it to end like this.

It has now been a year since we spoke, and it has been on my mind ever since. How petty it was, how she could just stop talking to me out of NOWHERE when other “friends” of hers have done so much worse: 1) Stood her up on her birthday, 2) Didn’t even come to her mother’s FUNERAL 3) Constantly lied to her and the list continues. She STILL TALKS TO THESE PEOPLE!

Yesterday was her birthday. I decided I was going to text her, just apologize for the argument (Even though I did nothing wrong) and see where we could go from there…which is probably NO WHERE. I just wanted to have an adult conversation on what happened and leave it. I could never be friends with her again. I really need closure. This has truly been like breaking up with a man. I have never encountered something like this, but it has truly heart me. It has been on my mind and my heart ever since.

I text her a long text apologizing and I even sent it via FB Messenger.

I never got a response.

I even called later that night and it went straight to voicemail. I seriously couldn’t believe she BLOCKED me! I left a long voicemail and that was it…I can’t do anything more.

Almost 20yrs of friendship…because I didn’t come to your party? Not giving me the opportunity to talk to you about it AT ALL?

Like I said, we were growing apart…just crazy how it finally happened…

I believe this is The Most High’s way of letting me know that was the end of that Season of my life. Time to make room for Godly friends that want to be in my life, have Godly conversations with, worship with, pray with and literally won’t be childish!

Time to move on…

7yr Anniversary

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This past Monday was my 7yr Wedding Anniversary.

Due to us being on 1 income, this is the 2nd year that we didn’t do anything.

Before my husband went off work, we did an Anniversary trip each year. Things are soooo different now. We do not do hardly ANYTHING anymore! I literally work and come home. The most exciting thing I do now is NOT COOKING and getting take out! lol Which I really need to stop doing because its SO MUCH money for two people to eat now! I am going even more broke doing that. I am really hating that right now.

Marriage is hard work.

When I thought of being married, I knew there would be obstacles, but I feel like I am constantly annoyed by my husband. I feel so bad saying this and it doesn’t have ANYTHING to do with his MS, but HIM.

Since this is a SAFE SPACE, let’s talk about it…

We have been together for 11yrs in total and I was so different when I first met him and he was too.

I wanted to be in love so bad, especially after having so many horrible relationships back-to-back. Meeting my husband was a breath of fresh air because he was extremely nice, polite, caring, a good listener, went to church EVERY Sunday, very respectable of his elderly mother and aunts etc. I was so excited that I found a man that was NICE and never disrespected me. BUT … because of the face that he was so nice to me, it made me overlook everything else that I should have been looking for in a man and husband.

When we first start dating, my husband was very talkative, playful and we just really enjoyed each other. I honestly didn’t know how to be a wife and what to expect from a husband. But, when I got married, the wife role, completely came out so naturally for me. I took over everything. My mother was truly coming out of me. lol She took care of EVERYTHING in the house. Just as my husband’s mother took care of a lot while his father worked (Both of our mothers worked Full Time outside the home as well).

After a year or two of being married, I had the “wife role” down, but as I was getting more into my role, I am learning how and NEEDED more of my husband. And noticed, I was not getting it.

Everyone changes as they grow older. I believe I am changing for the better, but my husband is literally the same as he was when we met and I do not know how I missed it when we dated…

  • No compliments. DEF overlooked while dating. I was so busy telling him how sexy he was, but he never complimented me back. After a year of marriage, I pointed this out and even thought maybe he wasn’t attracted to me. He told me of course he was and that he would try to do better. 7 years later, he hasn’t. Sometimes I think I am literally going to go my whole life without having my husband telling me how beautiful I am, how sexy I am, how he can’t wait to get home and ponce on me. I will never know how that feels and even typing this has me wanting to cry,
  • Not emotionally supportive. I have girlfriends that I gossip with and relied on for “girl talk”. Now that my friend circle is gone, I talk more to my husband…about everything. I could be angry, sad, happy or even really excited and he literally shows nothing. It’s like he’s a robot. And when I get angry because he has no emotion or even an opinion, he gets angry. I do not understand how and why someone can have zero emotions. It’s very frustrating. When I am sad, mad or upset there is zero comforting me, no words, just silence from him. I still dont understand this!
  • No goals, hobbies, interests. I have been trying to work with him since he stopped working to pick up learning about something, a language, reading, even pushing him to play a damn video game! NOTHING. HOW DOES NOTHING INTEREST YOU!??!!?!?!?!? YOU HAVE THE WHOLE BEAUTIFUL WORLD! You have no interest in absolutely nothing?????????????????
  • Yes Man. Due to him being so nice, he never says no. Even when he should! He does not have a backbone whatsoever. So you know what that means? His wife gets to be the bitch!
  • Lazy As FUCK! My husband is what is called an Ooops Baby. His parents did not plan to have him. His siblings are 15yrs and up older than him. His sister told me she used to do ALL HIS CHORES for him. He never had to do anything because he was the baby. But guess what happened as he got older and became a husband? HE DOESNT KNOW HOW TO DO ANYTHING!!!! HE IS LAZY AS HELL!!!!! Literally something will fall to the ground, and he will step over it and not pick it up. Gets an attitude when I tell him to just help me and now that he has MS and can hardly stand, he really doesn’t do fuckin shit!

I have asked my husband about his childhood, his parents, how they were towards each other, how it was in the home, how his father was, how his father treated his mother and was his father “a father” to him. Was he a good role model for him? Did he teach him HOW to be a husband and a father? And the answer is he was in the home as the father, but he was not a role model at all. He was never taught how to LEAD his family, how to make the tough decisions for his family, how to be the protector. He was taught to WORK, come home and his wife will handle everything else! He was not taught how the household should be and maintained.

So now for the past 7yrs, I feel like I am TEACHING my husband how to be a husband. Sometimes I feel like I am talking to my child (I never had kids) and I hate that SO MUCH! Why should I have to tell my husband how to lead our family!? I am so fuckin tired of all the responsibility being on me! I am so tired of making all the gosh damn decisions for both of us!

I HATE BEING MARRIED!

I HATE IT SO MUCH!

I wish someone would have come to me and told me what to look for in a man beyond LOVE!!! It is so much more than being in LOVE! Love goes so far! You need someone that is going to have your fucking back and mentally able to focus on what is best for the family and not second guess! Need a man that is capable to receive the love from you but GIVE IT TOO!!!

But I know I am not going anywhere.

Even with all these flaws … its just that … FLAWS. He is a good man. It is just a lot for me to deal with right now. And I am starting to notice a lot due to me … DOING EVERYTHING!

I played my cards, and this is what I have been delt.

And don’t get me wrong, I am NO WHERE NEAR BEING PERFECT. But this post is about my husband and HIS FLAWS! NOT MINE! lol!

REAL TALK!

I have realized HOW IMPORTANT it is to teach your kids FROM THE START on how to be an adult! FUCKIN PREPARE THEM!!! Because one day they are going to be someone’s wife or husband! And trying to learn that shit after the alter is going to lead to D I V O R C E!!!

I know the grass aint greener on the other side, so I am stuck and going to deal with it!

It is what is it at this point….

Happy Fuckin Anniversary to me …

Mother-in-Law Visit

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My husband’s family lives almost an hour away.

His mother has mentioned a few times she wanted to come over.

I am, unfortunately, really embarrassed by where I live. I feel like I should have a house by name, beautiful decorations etc. I kept telling her there is nothing to see, and that it’s a very small apartment. I understand a mother wants to know where her child is living BUT this is a 48yr old man! :/

My husband’s uncle randomly bought my hubby a TV and his mother used this to come over to give it to us.

She let us know 2 days prior and y’all I cleaned so much for the next 2 days!

I even went and bought NEW couch pillows, I put up new pictures, candles. Even though I know our little home is not the nicest, I still tried to make a good impression.

I was at work when she came back, with my husband nephew.

My husband said his mother didn’t say ANYTHING about the apartment. No compliments on … nothing.

He said she walked around the kitchen and stared at things.

I wish I was there…

I can’t stand anything more than judgement. And it always comes from the people that are close to you.

I was trying to tell my husband that even though I know our little home is not a lot, we don’t have a lot of nice things. But I feel that if anyone comes into your home, they should say SOMETHING nice about it? “Nice pictures”, “Smells so good in here”, “It’s so clean in here”. Is it just me because my husband didn’t get it at all? Isn’t that just being polite of being in someone else home? IDK.

She came last Wednesday, and this has bothered me EVER. SINCE!

ESPECIALLY because when I got home from work that day, she happened to call and I said, “So you finally saw where we live” and the FIRST THING SHE SAID was “You two can’t even turn around in that place”. WTF! Then said its okay we will find something bigger and nice. Excuse me! This is our home NOOOOWW! Respect that! I know it’s not a lot but damn, can I get a little love on what we made a home for the last 11yrs???

Exactly why I don’t want anyone in my home. I don’t care who they are. I am working so much right now, having to do everything by myself due to my husband illness and judgement is the last thing I need right now. This is another reason why I am looking into Therapy. I thought this Blog would be sufficient, but I really need to talk to someone.

But, she has seen where we live, and I really hope she doesn’t want to come back … mother-in-law or not.

Laugh To Not Cry

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Things have still been tough.

Money is extremely tight right now. Tighter than I want to believe.

Sometimes I buy little things that I was used to buying when my husband was working. Then I realize AFTER, we may not have enough money for food or a bill.

I now have to track EVERYTHING.

Each transaction from my bank account.

I hate it.

I hate not having money to buy things. I haven’t brought a new bra in 2yrs.

I try to work at least 10hrs of overtime. I realized when I do, I don’t have to worry too much and even have some money to save. I literally had to cut everything: Cancelled gym membership, cancelled subscriptions, stopped going out to eat, grocery shop every 3 days to make sure I only get food we are going to eat, stopped buying clothes, stopped traveling and we really don’t go to any events, so I won’t burn my gas.

We literally only have money for food and bills.

Still waiting on approval for his Social Security. Praying every day, he gets it. Oh that back pay we will get!!!

I have caught myself feeling like I can’t do this, I am tired of working so much and I want be able to do things and enjoy life.

I have to keep reminding myself this is too shall pass. We are in the trenches right now, but our Faith is BIGGER than our FEAR.

I have to keep reminding myself that my husband is the one with MS. How does HE feel? He is the one having trouble walking, sitting at home all day, every day, no one is calling him at all (Not even his kids or friends. My dad and his mother are thee only people that have called) His 2 kids have not come over once to see him and called a couple of times in the almost 2yrs he has been out of work. But he is still happy, not depressed and smiles. He didn’t ask God to give him MS so he can sit at home and not do anything to help his family.

It can be a lot worse, but we are making it. We can’t do a lot of things we used to do but it wont be like this for forever,

I have thought about seeing a therapist because I have so many feelings and literally don’t have anyone to talk to..hence why I came back to blogging. My family never ask how we are doing. I understand everyone has their own lives and dealing with things.

It is tough but we will get through this ❤

Life Update

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I have been so bad with this Blog, but have so much to talk about…

The biggest update…my husband started to have numbness in hands, legs and feet, tingling, back pain then started having trouble walking.

In December of last year, he started falling…a lot.

He works as a Maintenance Technician and due to his job being so demanding, he stopped working until we found out what was going on.

4 months later, 4 Specialists, 5 MRI’s and after a ton of blood work, we are finally getting to a diagnosis…which is unfortunately, Mutiple Sclerosis. He hasn’t been OFICIALLY diagnosed, but the MS Specialist gave us pamphlets to look over for treatment. She ordered another set of bloodwork to rule out anything other diseases.

Unfortunately, my husband did not add Short Term Disability on his insurance when he was hired so he has had ZERO income, and everything is now on me. We did not know he was going to be out of work for this amount of time, so we just applied for Social Security/Disability which could take a year to even approve!

I have just been so sad. I am sad for my husband to see him so sick and I am scared that eventually out bills are going to catch up to us.

My so-called friends haven’t reached out to see how he is doing and that really makes me annoyed and angry!

We have been married for 5yrs and I just didn’t expect to go through this “sickness” this early on in our marriage, but just goes to show us how quickly LIFE can turn around on you. He is only 47 and, on a walker, right now.

We go back to the Dr. next week and I am praying we get the diagnosis, discuss treatment and schedule when he can start so he can start feeling better.

A 47yr old man does not deserve to live his life on a walker.

The good thing about MS is that it’s not a death sentence and treatment has come a long way. People can still live a good life and I am determined to have that for my husband. 🙂

Back to Blogging

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Hello!

Been going back and forth in regard to if I want to come back to Blogging.

But I feel like I need it.

I am almost 40 (Next year), married almost 5yrs, smaller friend circle now. Getting along better with my family (If you read my posts from years ago you know what I am saying lol) but I feel like I need an outlet. I feel like I can’t talk to my family, don’t want to tell my friends so why not tell complete strangers on the internet LOL Its 2023, why not? Right??

FIRST AND FOREMOST, Let’s give you guys an update…

Me and that LOSER from Chicago … finally got rid of him after 5yrs…

Sometimes I think back to how I truly wasted so many years and my time with him … almost all of my 20’s.

I was so young, vulnerable, and wanted love so bad. I painted a pretty picture that he was such and good guy, but he was actually horrible to me. Never physical but he was verbal abusive…all the time. It was as if he did not know how to be nice. I soon realized this is not the relationship or life I want. Now that I am older, I realize he was a true narcissist. Living in different states helped and I finally let him go.

Unfortunately, being in a horrible relationship as that for so long didn’t help for the following relationships after.

Took a long time to recover from that and learn how true love is supposed to feel and how couples are supposed to treat each other.

Did not find that true love until 30 years of age.

Been married for almost 5yrs, no kids yet but he is definitely God sent. He is the nicest person ever. Never have raised his voice to me.

Our marriage is not perfect, but it is definitely not like the movies! LOL

Marriage is HARD. We have been together for almost 8yrs in total and I feel like I am still getting to know him and learning things. Its not hugs and kisses every day. Some days I don’t want to chat a lot and other days I am Chatty Kathy lol

He irritates me a lot also. I don’t know why but I don’t like to talk about too much personal things with my family/friends. I feel like when you invite others in your relationships, it doesn’t always end well. Even the smallest thing you can say, can be brought back up later.

A perfect example of this is I told one of my sisters that my husband was lazy years ago. I wasn’t made about it, just mentioned he was a little lazy…this was years ago. She still brings this up for no reason. lol

So here I am, getting back to blogging because I just really need to vent stuff out. Marriage, coworkers, family …

Sit back and enjoy!