Category: Marriage

7yr Anniversary

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This past Monday was my 7yr Wedding Anniversary.

Due to us being on 1 income, this is the 2nd year that we didn’t do anything.

Before my husband went off work, we did an Anniversary trip each year. Things are soooo different now. We do not do hardly ANYTHING anymore! I literally work and come home. The most exciting thing I do now is NOT COOKING and getting take out! lol Which I really need to stop doing because its SO MUCH money for two people to eat now! I am going even more broke doing that. I am really hating that right now.

Marriage is hard work.

When I thought of being married, I knew there would be obstacles, but I feel like I am constantly annoyed by my husband. I feel so bad saying this and it doesn’t have ANYTHING to do with his MS, but HIM.

Since this is a SAFE SPACE, let’s talk about it…

We have been together for 11yrs in total and I was so different when I first met him and he was too.

I wanted to be in love so bad, especially after having so many horrible relationships back-to-back. Meeting my husband was a breath of fresh air because he was extremely nice, polite, caring, a good listener, went to church EVERY Sunday, very respectable of his elderly mother and aunts etc. I was so excited that I found a man that was NICE and never disrespected me. BUT … because of the face that he was so nice to me, it made me overlook everything else that I should have been looking for in a man and husband.

When we first start dating, my husband was very talkative, playful and we just really enjoyed each other. I honestly didn’t know how to be a wife and what to expect from a husband. But, when I got married, the wife role, completely came out so naturally for me. I took over everything. My mother was truly coming out of me. lol She took care of EVERYTHING in the house. Just as my husband’s mother took care of a lot while his father worked (Both of our mothers worked Full Time outside the home as well).

After a year or two of being married, I had the “wife role” down, but as I was getting more into my role, I am learning how and NEEDED more of my husband. And noticed, I was not getting it.

Everyone changes as they grow older. I believe I am changing for the better, but my husband is literally the same as he was when we met and I do not know how I missed it when we dated…

  • No compliments. DEF overlooked while dating. I was so busy telling him how sexy he was, but he never complimented me back. After a year of marriage, I pointed this out and even thought maybe he wasn’t attracted to me. He told me of course he was and that he would try to do better. 7 years later, he hasn’t. Sometimes I think I am literally going to go my whole life without having my husband telling me how beautiful I am, how sexy I am, how he can’t wait to get home and ponce on me. I will never know how that feels and even typing this has me wanting to cry,
  • Not emotionally supportive. I have girlfriends that I gossip with and relied on for “girl talk”. Now that my friend circle is gone, I talk more to my husband…about everything. I could be angry, sad, happy or even really excited and he literally shows nothing. It’s like he’s a robot. And when I get angry because he has no emotion or even an opinion, he gets angry. I do not understand how and why someone can have zero emotions. It’s very frustrating. When I am sad, mad or upset there is zero comforting me, no words, just silence from him. I still dont understand this!
  • No goals, hobbies, interests. I have been trying to work with him since he stopped working to pick up learning about something, a language, reading, even pushing him to play a damn video game! NOTHING. HOW DOES NOTHING INTEREST YOU!??!!?!?!?!? YOU HAVE THE WHOLE BEAUTIFUL WORLD! You have no interest in absolutely nothing?????????????????
  • Yes Man. Due to him being so nice, he never says no. Even when he should! He does not have a backbone whatsoever. So you know what that means? His wife gets to be the bitch!
  • Lazy As FUCK! My husband is what is called an Ooops Baby. His parents did not plan to have him. His siblings are 15yrs and up older than him. His sister told me she used to do ALL HIS CHORES for him. He never had to do anything because he was the baby. But guess what happened as he got older and became a husband? HE DOESNT KNOW HOW TO DO ANYTHING!!!! HE IS LAZY AS HELL!!!!! Literally something will fall to the ground, and he will step over it and not pick it up. Gets an attitude when I tell him to just help me and now that he has MS and can hardly stand, he really doesn’t do fuckin shit!

I have asked my husband about his childhood, his parents, how they were towards each other, how it was in the home, how his father was, how his father treated his mother and was his father “a father” to him. Was he a good role model for him? Did he teach him HOW to be a husband and a father? And the answer is he was in the home as the father, but he was not a role model at all. He was never taught how to LEAD his family, how to make the tough decisions for his family, how to be the protector. He was taught to WORK, come home and his wife will handle everything else! He was not taught how the household should be and maintained.

So now for the past 7yrs, I feel like I am TEACHING my husband how to be a husband. Sometimes I feel like I am talking to my child (I never had kids) and I hate that SO MUCH! Why should I have to tell my husband how to lead our family!? I am so fuckin tired of all the responsibility being on me! I am so tired of making all the gosh damn decisions for both of us!

I HATE BEING MARRIED!

I HATE IT SO MUCH!

I wish someone would have come to me and told me what to look for in a man beyond LOVE!!! It is so much more than being in LOVE! Love goes so far! You need someone that is going to have your fucking back and mentally able to focus on what is best for the family and not second guess! Need a man that is capable to receive the love from you but GIVE IT TOO!!!

But I know I am not going anywhere.

Even with all these flaws … its just that … FLAWS. He is a good man. It is just a lot for me to deal with right now. And I am starting to notice a lot due to me … DOING EVERYTHING!

I played my cards, and this is what I have been delt.

And don’t get me wrong, I am NO WHERE NEAR BEING PERFECT. But this post is about my husband and HIS FLAWS! NOT MINE! lol!

REAL TALK!

I have realized HOW IMPORTANT it is to teach your kids FROM THE START on how to be an adult! FUCKIN PREPARE THEM!!! Because one day they are going to be someone’s wife or husband! And trying to learn that shit after the alter is going to lead to D I V O R C E!!!

I know the grass aint greener on the other side, so I am stuck and going to deal with it!

It is what is it at this point….

Happy Fuckin Anniversary to me …

Mother-in-Law Visit

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My husband’s family lives almost an hour away.

His mother has mentioned a few times she wanted to come over.

I am, unfortunately, really embarrassed by where I live. I feel like I should have a house by name, beautiful decorations etc. I kept telling her there is nothing to see, and that it’s a very small apartment. I understand a mother wants to know where her child is living BUT this is a 48yr old man! :/

My husband’s uncle randomly bought my hubby a TV and his mother used this to come over to give it to us.

She let us know 2 days prior and y’all I cleaned so much for the next 2 days!

I even went and bought NEW couch pillows, I put up new pictures, candles. Even though I know our little home is not the nicest, I still tried to make a good impression.

I was at work when she came back, with my husband nephew.

My husband said his mother didn’t say ANYTHING about the apartment. No compliments on … nothing.

He said she walked around the kitchen and stared at things.

I wish I was there…

I can’t stand anything more than judgement. And it always comes from the people that are close to you.

I was trying to tell my husband that even though I know our little home is not a lot, we don’t have a lot of nice things. But I feel that if anyone comes into your home, they should say SOMETHING nice about it? “Nice pictures”, “Smells so good in here”, “It’s so clean in here”. Is it just me because my husband didn’t get it at all? Isn’t that just being polite of being in someone else home? IDK.

She came last Wednesday, and this has bothered me EVER. SINCE!

ESPECIALLY because when I got home from work that day, she happened to call and I said, “So you finally saw where we live” and the FIRST THING SHE SAID was “You two can’t even turn around in that place”. WTF! Then said its okay we will find something bigger and nice. Excuse me! This is our home NOOOOWW! Respect that! I know it’s not a lot but damn, can I get a little love on what we made a home for the last 11yrs???

Exactly why I don’t want anyone in my home. I don’t care who they are. I am working so much right now, having to do everything by myself due to my husband illness and judgement is the last thing I need right now. This is another reason why I am looking into Therapy. I thought this Blog would be sufficient, but I really need to talk to someone.

But, she has seen where we live, and I really hope she doesn’t want to come back … mother-in-law or not.

Praise Break !!!

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Just a couple of days ago, I wrote a post about money being tight.

Yesterday, I opened up the mail to find a check a little over $1500!

Will try to make a long story short: About 5yrs ago, my Husband signed a contract with a company to teach him a new skill (IT) and the contract stated once he got a job in this skill, he would have to pay back a certain percentage of his income back to this company (Unfortunately, my husband never spoke to me about this because he knew I would say “THIS DOESNT SOUND LIKE A GOOD IDEA!!” AND YOU KNOW WHAT?? IT WASN’T!!!). Craziest thing ever right? RIGHT!

Well, my husband signed a contract and QUIT before he even started! SMH. He never reached back out to the company to let them know.

Maybe a year later, the company then TRIED TO SUE US and sent us court documents! That scurred us straight so we got on a payment plan with them and started paying them $350/mnth!

Maybe 6 months into paying them, we got a letter they filed Bankruptcy (GO FIGURE! NOT SURPRISING!!!) and I IMMEDIATELY stopped paying them.

Now, years later, we got a letter in the mail stating this company broke many federal laws! And we got a CHECK!

I was so upset with my husband about signing a contract for something so retarded, but this is marriage! Dealing with bullshit and then having to figure it out! At the time, my husband was working FULL TIME and we were making enough money to pay this bill but it still cut into a lot of things.

I thank The Most High for providing for us this during this whole time of my husband being out of work, due to his MS. From his sister giving us money or his mother giving us a ton of food! He continues to PROVIDE!!!

My faith has gotten so much stronger through this whole transition.

Cheers to 40!

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Today I am 40!

I still can’t believe this!

Wow! 40!

10yrs closer to 50! LOL!

Anyhoo. Haven’t posted in a while. Been going through A LOT these last 6mnths.

I believe I wrote in a previous Blog my husband showed symptoms of MS. We finally got a diagnosis. He has been receiving Ocrevus infusions as treatment and going to Physical Therapy.

It has defiantly been hard. My life has turned upset down. Everything has been on ME these past 6mmnths!

Working, doing overtime when I can, shopping, cooking, cleaning, getting him to his MANY Dr appointments, and now Physical Therapy appointments and going through the whole process of being approved for Social Security Disability.

Last year, I was planning a Girls Trip, to do something amazing for all of us turning 40 and now, today … a coworker took me out to Brunch. I actually wasn’t even going to go. I have been trying hard to not be depressed. But, I am scared. I feel like I have been in survival mode just to make sure I can afford everything on my income alone.

I literally stopped doing everything just to be able to afford paying for rent and food. We don’t go out, no going out to eat, I cook EVERYTHING, I canceled EVERYTHING we don’t need, stopped shopping and found old clothes to wear. I am even looking for a Part Time job.

I am trying so hard not to lose it.

Because my husband didn’t ask for this.

I am trying to give him all the support I can give while I am praying for my own sanity.

Life Update

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I have been so bad with this Blog, but have so much to talk about…

The biggest update…my husband started to have numbness in hands, legs and feet, tingling, back pain then started having trouble walking.

In December of last year, he started falling…a lot.

He works as a Maintenance Technician and due to his job being so demanding, he stopped working until we found out what was going on.

4 months later, 4 Specialists, 5 MRI’s and after a ton of blood work, we are finally getting to a diagnosis…which is unfortunately, Mutiple Sclerosis. He hasn’t been OFICIALLY diagnosed, but the MS Specialist gave us pamphlets to look over for treatment. She ordered another set of bloodwork to rule out anything other diseases.

Unfortunately, my husband did not add Short Term Disability on his insurance when he was hired so he has had ZERO income, and everything is now on me. We did not know he was going to be out of work for this amount of time, so we just applied for Social Security/Disability which could take a year to even approve!

I have just been so sad. I am sad for my husband to see him so sick and I am scared that eventually out bills are going to catch up to us.

My so-called friends haven’t reached out to see how he is doing and that really makes me annoyed and angry!

We have been married for 5yrs and I just didn’t expect to go through this “sickness” this early on in our marriage, but just goes to show us how quickly LIFE can turn around on you. He is only 47 and, on a walker, right now.

We go back to the Dr. next week and I am praying we get the diagnosis, discuss treatment and schedule when he can start so he can start feeling better.

A 47yr old man does not deserve to live his life on a walker.

The good thing about MS is that it’s not a death sentence and treatment has come a long way. People can still live a good life and I am determined to have that for my husband. 🙂

Marriage is H A R D

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Here I am you guys!

I still was trying to determine if I was going to come back to this Blog but I feel like I need it! I need this Safe Space…I have SO MUCH to say…so here goes…

I will be married for 5yrs this September…together in total for over 8yrs.

We haven’t had any big problems that you may see in a lot of relationships…until recently.

Both my husband and I are extremely easy going. We don’t let anything get to us. I may let some folks push my buttons, but nothing insane. We have not had ANY CRAZY BLOW OUT fights. He is truly such a nice guy. He is so sweet, patient, hardworking and he has never once even yelled at me in the 8yrs we have been together. Not ONCE. Have I yelled at him? Yes. Because he DOES do stupid things and has made some stupid decisions recently that has truly made me go OFF THE HINGES!

One of these situations was that about 3-4yrs ago. My husband decided he wanted to change careers and wanted to find something in IT (Information Technology). He found a company that would teach him everything about IT. After he was finished taking their classes, they will find them a job in the field. BUT, the gag is … once they get a job, they have to give the company back 30% of their pay for a certain time period. If not, $30k has to be paid back to the company for all the resources they used to teach that individual that signed up. Isn’t that insane?

They make you sign a contract, which my husband did. Unfortunately, after the FIRST DAY, my husband realized it wasn’t for him and just stopped taking the classes. Didn’t even say anything to the company. Just stopped.

To make a long story short, they tried to sue him since he failed to adhere to the contract he signed!

Of course I asked my husband about this once we got COURT DOCUMENTS in the mail and he had the most blank face! I sprung into action and got on the phone with the CEO and asked what we can do. He gave us an option (Judgement) to pay $350/mth and lowered the balance $5000 to pay back $25K in full.

Last year, we got an email and letters in the mail that the company is going through Bankruptcy, THANK GOD! We paid for almost a year though! I had to sit my husband down and talk to him like he was my damn son that what he does can damage not only him but ME and our FINANCES!! He never once told me about this company, signing a contract or anything. Probably because he know I would have said it was a horrible idea! WHICH IT WAS!!!

When I met my husband, he was a bubble of sunshine, he joked and talked nonstop. A year after we got married it all stopped. I noticed, his and my family noticed. I seriously was thinking he was going through a depression. I constantly asked him what was wrong and he said nothing…he literally says he doesn’t have anything say… which I don’t understand!

This was 4yrs ago. He has gotten a little better but now I have just gotten used to the “new” him.

Now, as of YESTERDAY, he had a Summer BBQ at his job. I made a Cheesy Potato Casserole and was SO EXCITED to see how his coworkers liked it because I don’t cook for other people…

This man came home fucking drunk out of his mind. Not only THAT, but he DROVE HOME DRUNK!!!

I WAS FUCKIN LIVID!!

Once he got out his car, he could barely WALK! He also kept falling asleep before he got out the car! I don’t even know how he got home!

I was not even mad he was drunk. I was made he DROVE HOME DRUNK!

There are TOO MANY WAYS TO GET HOME SAFE than to drive yourself home and risking the lives of himself or other people!!!

I have a cousin that lost her 12yr old daughter 7yrs ago to a drunk driver and my husband knows this. HE WENT TO THE FUNERAL!

I yelled, and cried at him for over an hour. I was and still am so disgusted that I am married to someone that will make such a senseless decision as drunk driving. I am still sick to my stomach and hardly have spoken to him even today,

I thank The Most High, he got home safe, no one was injured and he didn’t get pulled over as he is a BLACK MAN that works in a predominately WHITE city.

I am going to be seeking the services of a Marriage Therapist next week. Marriage is hard. This is not what I thought it would be but I love my husband enough to get counseling before anything worse happens. I am praying she can get something out of him that I can’t.